The opposite of domination

So, as most of you know, I've been experimenting with BDSM. Exploring my submissive side. I spent last week in Chicago with a dom I met on the internet (yes, that's retarded, but I'm back in Brooklyn and I'm alive, so I guess it's all good), and I really like him and hopefully we're going to fall in love and get married... but I shouldn't jinx it. The point of this entry is the local dom, DomBro, that I have to get rid of now. He told me he loved me, which is retarded and kind of obnoxious, considering he doesn't know anything about me. I hope he's lying, because I definitely don't love him and if he meant what he said, I feel bad for him. I told him this would never work out and he was like, "But you said you loved me," and I was like, "Yes, because you told me to, you dumbass." I can't believe he's arguing with me. Who argues when you say you're not interested? What the hell? This is New York City; there's no shortage of freaks. So I sent him a list of all the things I didn't like about being with him and he said he would change all of those things. How is it domination if I can tell him to change things about himself? This is so frustrating. But I'm very hopeful about Chicago Dom, which of course means that he is going to break my heart.

The one and only reason high school is important

Some guy was talking about how this woman he'd slept with was really trashy because she drinks and smokes and swears, and it got me thinking. As far as I can tell, everyone in the world has trashy habits, everyone. I, for example, am a really annoying drunk and I swear a whole lot and I have terrible table manners. Some people eat fast food or let their thongs show or chew tobacco or accept money for sex or smoke crack in the bathroom at work - these are tiny habits that are usually considered kind of whatever, but in some people, they're trashy. I don't know. I think it has to do with grammar. I think you can do whatever you want and as long as you're saying, "He and I went downtown to find prostitutes," instead of, "Me and him went downtown to find prostitutes," you're in the clear.

Domestic Bliss

The dog and I are playing a game I call Chicken Standoff. I ordered chicken shawarma for lunch and ate about half of it. The rest is in a Styrofoam container on the floor. The lid is open and the dog can see leftover chicken and rice. She's been staring at it for about an hour, whining. She won't touch it, but if the housekeeper tries to pick up the container or even go near it, she attacks.

I was looking through my stuff today and found a stuffed animal I bought for my eventual child. I bought this like three years ago or so. I didn't even like stuffed animals as a kid; I assume that trait is hereditary. I also have a list of possible names for my eventual child. When I get pregnant, my husband can choose a name off the list. Lately I've been worried about infertility, though. I mean, I do sit the laptop on my ovaries a lot, and I had a pelvic X-ray two years ago, and I take all these anticonvulsants, and I want a baby, which is kind of a jinx. And everyone says, oh, you can adopt, but I want the baby to look like me, glorious, gorgeous me. My mom says my eventual husband's DNA could override mine and I could get some non-me kid, but creo que esta equivocada. My genes are pretty forceful.

Noh + Shakespeare = zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My dad took me, my brother, and Hirohito to see a Japanese version of "Hamlet" on East 4th. It was all in Japanese, incorporated traditional Noh dances, and had flashing lights throughout the entire thing. On the plus side, it was only 80 minutes long, and afterwords, we got to leave Hirohito to take pictures with the cast. I think he knows we all hate him and thinks it's hilarious. He gets this weird smile on his face when he sees us, like he knows something we don't. Today my brother slammed the car door in his face.

I've had pain on my right side for two days now. Internet says it could be appendicitis, but my brother says I'd have a fever. Whatever; when in doubt, it's cancer.

Relationshipz iz tough: your questions answered

Problem: The person I am in love with doesn't love me back
Solution: Start an emo band

Problem: My boyfriend can't make me come
Solution: Dump him because he sux; if this is not an option, buy a vibrator.

Problem: My girlfriend can't make me come
Solution: Seek therapy because you obviously have mental issues

Problem: I throw up every time I give head
Solution: Don't eat for at least 3 hours before giving head

Problem: I want to beat the shit out of my boyfriend during romance times
Solution: Do it. He'll love it.

Problem: The person I'm seeing wants me to eat poop/shave my head/drive an ice pick through my eye and s/he says s/he'll dump me if I don't
Solution: Light his/her face on fire

Problem: The person I am seeing has gained 100 pounds since we started dating
Solution: Either develop a fat fetish or chain him/her to a radiator until s/he has starved off the extra lbs.

Problem: I hate giving head and my partner always wants it
Solution: Just do it really terribly until your partner gives up on you

Problem: My partner and I have different sexual interests
Solution: Swing!