Why can't he just lose weight?

I feel a little bad for John McCain. Like, I hated everything he stood for and I support Obama, but McCain's just this little old man who was humiliated in front of the entire country and when he dies, he'll be this big famous failure. He seemed so hopeful. It's like when you go into a nursing home and there's someone waiting by the door and they're like, "My children are coming to see me today!" and then when you leave, they're still waiting. That's what his campaign reminded me of. Sarah Palin, on the other hand... I have no sympathy for her. She's a jerkface.

I may have to ditch Fattie for reasons besides his fat:
1. He's pretty lazy
2. He snores
3. He's basically half-deaf, so he never gets what I'm saying and he watches TV with the volume turned all the way up
4. He keeps saying really disgusting things and then he says he's kidding but he's probably not.
5. He turned his air conditioner on last night. Just open the window, retard, it's like 50 degrees out.
6. His apartment smells sort of like a sweaty vagina.
Oddly enough, though, the fat is growing on me. He's squishy and I like hugging him, but he keeps asking for sex and what do I say? "No, you're too fat"? Sometimes I feel these waves of tenderness for him - can I take those and turn them into sexual attraction? This is a bad situation. Why do I have such terrible taste? The thing is, I really have no taste. I've been thinking about the guys I've dated, and I don't have a type. All they have in common is that they've all got dark hair and with the exception of one, they've all been smokers. Short, tall, fat, thin, muscular, artists, professionals, Ivy League, community college, rich, poor, extremely poor, old, young, well-dressed, sloppy, pale, swarthy, American, foreign-born, smart, dumb, I've dated them all. I have no standards. I simply have no standards.